A Message to Whoever Would Like to Listen

I was wondering where it all went wrong but I now just realised loneliness is how I start, and it seems to keep me company until the end. Once I thought I’m free from them, they would return. From time to time. Sometimes it feels like the world may have to come to an end, but once or twice it feels like nothing — just numb, cold, and untold.

Every second that went by. Day by day, moments passing by. Each of these thin lines I’ve been drawing my whole life, were they so dull that no one wants to take a look? The emotions, rage, sadness, every piece of feelings I’ve holding up in my mind, were they so insignificant that the universe cannot even send let alone a single soul — just a sip of interest would be more than enough — to come to my place?

I swear with all the consciousness I have left, I have been draining all the love in my heart. I have been sending so much sacrifices, so much warmth I got to people — to the point I’m so worn out and not able to feel anything anymore. Even writing these feels so wrong, as if no one out there has greater and more significant problems to think of.

I reached my limit yet why do I still have to cry silently to sleep? Why do I still have to avoid people whenever I feel a slightest bit of discomfort? Why do I still have to endure these every day, with the hope that everything will get better, either that I’ve found my safe place or just I’ve finally accepted the fact I have trust me and only me for the rest of my life?

I feel pathetic letting out my thoughts like this. I would feel even more pathetic if I decided to hold it. I am 18 and still don’t know what to do with my emotions. I have no idea how to reach out to people, and never in my mind crosses a thought that maybe sharing will not burden people.

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You fill my lungs with sweetness and you fill my head with you — Shall I write it in a letter?